Daddy Issues

Father’s Day is just around the corner, which means the worst day of my year is also around the corner.

Ever since my parent’s divorce I’ve hated father’s day. I used to hate it because I didn’t feel like I had a father at all.

I’m hating it for very different reasons this year.

During my fall semester, my counselor talked to me about allowing myself to be a daughter to Mike. I feel like I’ve started to do that–it only took me eight years. This year, I feel like Mike is getting the short end of the stick. Father issues are starting to peek their heads (by that I mean issues that I’ve never been brave enough to address with Dan) because of my pending wedding. The girls aren’t talking to him, for really good reasons. I’ve figured out that it’s time for me to start acting like a sister. Mostly because when I try to do my own relationship with him, I get tangled in the web that comes with being an unintentional go-between.

I want both fathers to be in my wedding, because although he’s biological, Dan is Dan. He’s like a close friend that I sometimes squirmish with. Mike is my dad. The reason I know is because of my reaction when each is mad at me. With Dan, I don’t really care. But with Mike, I’m hysterical. If Mike’s mad at me, I know I’ve done something I really shouldn’t have. To be really honest, I’m at a point where if Dan has issue with the reception being at our house, or issue with both dads walking me down the aisle, or issue with 2 father-daughter dances, he doesn’t have to come. I know that sounds drastic, but this is one thing I’m not willing to budge on.

A Different Story

Numbers 14: 1-24

This passage is about when God was sick of hearing the Israelites complain, so instead of plaguing and killing them all, he decides to set aside Caleb as the only person allowed to see the Promised Land.

In this passage, it’s striking to me how God interacts with Moses like an actual person. He seems hurt, and frustrated and disappointed. He’s ready to kill them all except for Moses. Moses steps in and asks God to spare them, and to go back to the loving and forgiving person that God is. God hears Moses’ words and decides to punish the Israelites in a different way: by not allowing them to see or step foot in the Promise Land.

I was trying to compare this to my life, and I think I can udnerstand God’s frustration here. This would be like if I promised my brother we’d go to the park and he kept telling me “No, you won’t take me to the park,” no matter how many times I said I would. And before taking him to the park I’d take him to Burger King (his favorite place) and him saying, “This sucks. Let’s just go back home. This food tastes horrible and I hate it here. You weren’t ever going to take me to the park anyway.” How done would I be with the whole situation, even though I promised him we’d go?

The thought of God interacting like we interact with each other is somehow comforting to me.

Don’t Forget

My friend Katie bought me a devotional I’m trying to do. It’s called, Solo: An Uncommon Devotional. I’m not only trying to go through it, but I’m on a quest to be more honest about my lack of a relationship with God. I feel like in high school everyone thought I had this monumental relationship with him. Truth be told, I was just really good at saying all the right things. Honestly, I haven’t felt close to God since I started college.

Anyway, tonight’s passage was on Numbers 9:1-23 where God outlines the Passover and commands all the Israelites to practice it, no matter where they are. He asks them to do this to remember where they’ve been, and Who brought them there.

I’m most prone to forget who God is and what he’s done constantly. I’m always busy and so I think about God rarely. Part of me wonders whether or not this is because of Master’s and how turned off to Christianity I became after that. I revere God and acknowledge his existence, but I would say I fear an intimate relationship with him more than anyone.

I sensed God the most when my parent’s were divorcing. I had times of such deep sadness that I couldn’t bring to anyone. I still do that. God is most evident to me when I’m sobbing alone in my car whenever something goes wrong within my family. I felt like he was at work the most in me, that he was molding me then. The other time I feel like God was most at work in me was when I broke up with Kevin and met Ben. I attribute that to God and not to anything else, because technically speaking, I should be a textbook case of co-dependency. Looking back, I feel like God was working in small ways while at Master’s. Donald Miller’s Searching For God Knows What was a book I stumbled upon by mistake but was my only salvation there. It was also a book that alerted me to peers who were going through the same thing. Being led to APU, to social work.

I can’t remember the last time I had thought to look back and think about the times when God was at work in my life.

What about you? When is a time you felt (or didn’t feel) God at work in your life?

B: Ben

I have never been more thankful for anyone like this.

It’s hard to believe that the kid I used to dread seeing coming into work is now the person I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I know that everyone comes with baggage, but sometimes I feel like I come with more than most. Ben has been so supportive of counseling, he was the final push that got me to go. He has supported me every step of the way with my schooling, even when it was painful to do so. He is the most patient person I know. Not just like normal patient, but like…well this kind: We’ve been watching a lot of Alzheimer’s videos in my class lately and there always seems to be one case of a wife with progressed dementia and a patient husband who won’t put her in a home. This case always makes me tear up, because I know that’s how he’d be with me. Weird example, but the closest thing to eternally patient as I can get.

He’s the only person I’ve ever been completely vulnerable with, the only person I’d ever trust that much. Thank you babe, for always being the one person I could completely depend upon. I love you.

attempts to be thankful

This month has been rough. Really rough. Actually, the roughest since Master’s as if that were possible.

Yesterday, Ben used the words “beaten-upon,” and “tired” to describe how I’ve made him feel since starting back on Monday. I always worry about my amount of complaining, since my sense of humor is cynical. I knew then that I had hit that filler amount. So I’m going to be trying to be more mindful of what I have to be thankful for. I read a mom’s blog on typepad and she was doing this ABC thing, so I think I’ll steal that from her.

A: APU

I am so thankful for this school. I am so thankful I’ve been able to stay here for all 4 years, that I’ll be graduating in May 2009. I’m most thankful for the SW department, for my peers as well as faculty. It’s almost like being back at ACA in that aspect; teachers who pull me aside to make sure I’m doing okay when I step out of class too often. Teachers who’ll cry with me unabashedly. I’m thankful for Paula, Mary, Kaitlyn, Ashley, Allison, Caitlyn, Katie, all the people who have reached out to me in the past 4 weeks. So thankful.

Bossy Boots.

Even though he’s only seven years old, I asked my baby brother to watch me walk to my car from the front door today. Truthfully, I feel safer when he walks me to the door than if I had asked one of my sisters to walk me to the door. Why is that? It isn’t like he’d be able to do anything more than my sisters would, but is it because he’s a boy? Is that how my culture has shaped me–that men are always going to be able to better care for women than other women?

To which gender would you entrust your life?

Nerd love

Video Snapshot of grumpyspecter 6

Originally uploaded by crystal_clarity75

Thank God for technology. I love days like today when I don’t really have anything to do in the afternoon, and neither does Ben. Today we were able to talk for about an hour, and it was nice to feel like we spent actual time together. We get by talking on IM for most of the time, but sometimes it’s nice to feel like we’re living side by side again.
The best nights are date nights. We’ve started to rent the same video from NetFlix, eat dinner on webcam together, and then switch to IM and sync the movie. It’s a multi-tasking extravagansa.
I love you Babe. You’re my favorite nerd.

Learning to Wait.

So during Christmas, Ben and I definitely underwent a rollercoaster in terms of trying to decide when we wanted to get married. We were really set on getting married right after I graduated, and had a “pre-engagement” meeting with Blakey to discover any red flags that neither of us could see (because, let’s face it, if anyone were to tell us we were completely wrong for each other for an unseen reason, it would be him). We passed with flying colors, and were set on May 2009–until reality started to set in. While my parents are completely supportive of Ben and I getting married, my mom talked with us for a long time about the benefits of waiting just one more year. So as of right now, I’ll be returning to wonderful GT after graduating, which I am really excited about, if I were honest. I’ll probably secure a job with DCFS so I can start working off my student loans–thanks US Government. So May 2010. That is happening. The problem now?

I’m still unable to quit looking at bridesmaids dresses and wedding bands and places to have the wedding. My social work friends indulge me, even though my wedding is a few months shy of 2 years away.

Confused

Is this what I want? Already? Why do I have visions of myself in the Northwest, tattoos that I love, being a foster parent for an infant I have grown to love, and am thinking about adopting, although I am by myself? I know that isn’t like me, I know that it isn’t truly what I want–so why do I start thinking about it as soon as things look like they are starting to solidify? Why do I crave so much commitment and permanency, and then when I start to get what I want, shove it away with feelings of indifference?

These dueling people inside me get so exhausted, and part of me just wants to get the hell out.

We did something today in Social Policy…wow.

I learned a few things about myself today.

1. In Social Policy, Dr. Kim asked us where we saw ourselves 5 years from now. Every time anyone asks me that, I always tell them, “Feeding the homeless, with a baby strapped to my back.” That’s what I want to accomplish in life. I want to be an amazing social worker, volunteering my time for others, while teaching my children the value of living communally. I learned that I want to have my first baby by the time I’m 26. I want to be back in California, I want to be serving at the hippy kitchen in LA.

2. Hanging up on people may be one of the best outlets for me when I’m angry. Honestly.

I want to be so much bigger than everyone expects me to be–I want to start a non-profit, I want to be the best parent possible, I want to be a compassionate wife, I want to be a social worker people want to hear from, I want to work with native american children on reservations, I want to live in Canada, Washington, Oregon, and Mississippi. I want to live a trillion lifetimes in the single one I’ve been given. I can’t let myself be limited, no matter how white suburbia calls to me.