You can run, but you can’t hide

There was a point in time in high school when I did not want to be a part of my family. I very much resented the fact that I was part of it. I lashed out at my sisters, and spoke very little to anyone. And then my mother told me something I won’t ever forget, because at the time I hated it so much:

“You won’t always have the same friends. Your sisters are the only people who will be there for you no matter what, will be there when you are so lonely and you have no one else. Whether you like it or not, your sisters are your best friends for the rest of your life.”

I didn’t believe that until I graduated high school, and even then I didn’t fully grasp that. It’s only been since Nicole has moved close to me that I’ve discovered how comforting it is to have her close, because she knows everything I’ve been through. When I need to talk about Zoie, Nicole’s there, ready to talk because we’re living it together. No matter what, we have a history we know embarassing things about each other, we love each other. My biggest regret in life is that Chloe isn’t closer to Nicole’s age so we can all be around each other going through this.

With all that said, I know who you are. We grew up together, we experienced life together. I may not know as well as Chloe, but I do know that this is not who you are. You might think it is, but it isn’t. I just don’t understand why you think this is who you are.

You can run from yourself forever but when you decide you’re exhausted and tired, home is going to be the only place full of people who remember who you were. We’ll be here. Waiting.

Counseling.

I like going because it gives me something constructive to do with all my thoughts. I can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk to literally EVERYONE I know that will listen and still not be satisfied. I talk to a counselor and they usually give me feedback, and encouragement–something more or less productive to do with all of that.

This new guy I started seeing…I like the way he’s walking me through CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy. Thanks, Social Work education) but my only two sessions have been me talking about my life, him empathizing and getting me to see patterns I’ve created for myself, and then nothing. I left on Friday feeling okay, but I haven’t cried this much in a long time. That is to say I find myself actually tearing up when I’m talking about something sad. I have felt “covered in it” since Friday.

On Monday I came into the office and just cried. After talking with Cathy, Pauline and Janine, I felt better. I felt like I had a game plan, which was to tell the guy that talking about feelings is nice, but we need to move on to an action plan now. Because I can’t just sit with my feelings constantly, I have to go to internship, I have to do school work, etc.

Just to clarify

I realized in my last post it sounded like I wanted to get away from my actual famiily and create a new one at school with my friends–not the case. On the contrary, I love my family more than anyone, I just get extra support from friends here, when my family can’t always be here for me.

Thank you for being a friend

“Lord, thank you for friends. Thank you for friends becoming family.” Pat said that prayer on Saturday night and I almost cried. In a time when my family is so chaotic I have found new family with my friends. Paula, Amanda, Mary, Caitlyn, Kaitlyn. People I will be honored to have at my wedding. People who remind me who I am when I don’t feel like remembering.

Betrayed.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.

After trying so hard to make our family the best we could be, you ruined it all. It’s not overdramatic, it’s completely true.

Mom always said if one of us was kidnapped, she and dad would spend the rest of their lives searching for that one kid until they found them. And that if we were kidnapped because we weren’t paying good enough attention to our surroundings, we’d be robbing our other siblings of two capable parents.

They know where you are, and it’s killing them.

It won’t be like this for long, because we’re already starting to rebuild without you.

But it doesn’t mean I’m any less hurt, and that I don’t hold you completely responsible.