The term passive-aggressive doesn’t sound to me as drastic as it really is. My passive is, “I’m going to ignore you, because I hate you” which is so dehumanizing. If that weren’t enough, my aggressive is, “I’m going to burn this bridge, because I don’t believe in fraternizing with people who screw me.”
I’m discovering that when I indulge myself in being this way, I’m screwing myself.
Forgiveness is counter-intuitive to every bone I have in my body. Phrases that run through my mind during times when I feel like I’m being taken advantage of are things like, “Screw you,” “I never want to see you again,” etc. There is only one relationship I’ve never regretted severing, because it was actually a healthy choice. And in that case, I was truly being harmed.
But in Angela’s case, every time Cathy (my boss/mentor) told me not rooming with her best friend was the only thing that saved her friendship, I didn’t believe her. I thought it worked for them, but it wasn’t true for me. I’d been so wronged, and I couldn’t overcome that.
God has been working in my very hardened heart this summer, most recently through pre-marital counseling. We were talking about my conflict resolution style, or lack there of. Blakey didn’t know half of what happened with me and Angela, but he told me it was always better to ask for forgiveness than to harbor feelings of bitterness and keep that in.
When we got in the car, I started talking to Ben about how that was furthest from my mind and how I didn’t feel like I was the one that needed to apologize. I was a 21 year old, at a stand still because I didn’t think I needed to apologize.
Last night, I was reading in Genesis about Jacob and Esau, when Jacob stole Isaac’s blessing from Esau. Esau comes in and weeps violently and bitterly, desperately asking his father if there is any blessing left for him. When Isaac says there isn’t, Esau seethes in anger against Jacob and plots to kill him after Isaac dies. It really resonated with me. Even though Jacob had done the wrong thing, God still blessed him. Esau had only a heart for hate, a heart set on killing his brother. His anger had penetrated that deeply.
I don’t want to be like Esau. So I called Angela. We both cried, and I feel a lot better. I’m not dreading going back to school, and I’m not feeling like the situation was anyone’s fault. I feel free.
I didn’t think forgiveness would make me feel that way.
My name is Crystal, and I’ve been passive-aggressively sober for an hour.
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