My friend Katie bought me a devotional I’m trying to do. It’s called, Solo: An Uncommon Devotional. I’m not only trying to go through it, but I’m on a quest to be more honest about my lack of a relationship with God. I feel like in high school everyone thought I had this monumental relationship with him. Truth be told, I was just really good at saying all the right things. Honestly, I haven’t felt close to God since I started college.
Anyway, tonight’s passage was on Numbers 9:1-23 where God outlines the Passover and commands all the Israelites to practice it, no matter where they are. He asks them to do this to remember where they’ve been, and Who brought them there.
I’m most prone to forget who God is and what he’s done constantly. I’m always busy and so I think about God rarely. Part of me wonders whether or not this is because of Master’s and how turned off to Christianity I became after that. I revere God and acknowledge his existence, but I would say I fear an intimate relationship with him more than anyone.
I sensed God the most when my parent’s were divorcing. I had times of such deep sadness that I couldn’t bring to anyone. I still do that. God is most evident to me when I’m sobbing alone in my car whenever something goes wrong within my family. I felt like he was at work the most in me, that he was molding me then. The other time I feel like God was most at work in me was when I broke up with Kevin and met Ben. I attribute that to God and not to anything else, because technically speaking, I should be a textbook case of co-dependency. Looking back, I feel like God was working in small ways while at Master’s. Donald Miller’s Searching For God Knows What was a book I stumbled upon by mistake but was my only salvation there. It was also a book that alerted me to peers who were going through the same thing. Being led to APU, to social work.
I can’t remember the last time I had thought to look back and think about the times when God was at work in my life.
What about you? When is a time you felt (or didn’t feel) God at work in your life?
I know what you mean….I feel like in high school, I thought I was close to God, and on some level I was, but in other ways I was just good at the rhetoric….In college, I’ve felt closer to Him when I’ve gone through some shitty times but when things are good, I feel like they’re just so BUSY…. And as illegitimate an excuse as that is, I feel like thats keep me from KNOWING him….
Though I definitely didn’t have the Masters experience that you did, I feel like I’m still very turned off by those people who seem to think that know it all and try to shove God down your throat…because I feel like I trust them less than people who’ve gone through the ringer and understand the STRUGGLE that a relationship with God (or anyone really for that matter) is.
I know that was way long and drawn out, but all that to say, I feel like I understand what you mean…..